-Excerpt from "The Real Life Adventures of a Modern Missionary", Copyright 2004, which may or may not be based upon actual events. Used with permission.
15 November 2011
15 November 2011
Moldova is the poorest nation in Europe. Deeply impoverished villagers live on less than $50 a month, some on far less. The elderly are the most at-risk, having been left behind in the new system, after the fall of Communism. The Guys of American Missionary have been working hard here to find the most desperate seniors, and meet their most urgent needs.
The Guys just got back to their Moldovan base apartment, after delivering
several tons of FIREWOOD FOR WIDOWS today! "We shook THANKFUL, old, cold, shaking hands & our hearts were warmed, knowing they would soon be warm, too!"
60 SENIORS are at-risk for freezing to death this winter in the village of Vatici, and we are offering each one help. JOIN OUR TEAM BY SPONSORING ONE, TWO, or AN ENTIRE WINTER'S WORTH OF FIREWOOD to help keep these precious grandmothers and grandfathers alive.
Give the gift of life this Christmas by sponsoring a winter's worth of wood for Moldovan seniors who may otherwise freeze to death. $30 warms one person through a month; $100 through the whole winter. Would you consider a month... or two... or three?
This is one of the best ways we've seen to open hearts and share God's love, in the name of Jesus, with those who have been praying for a miracle. THANK YOU FOR YOUR AMAZING GENEROSITY!
15 November 2011
EXCLUSIVE ONLINE CONTENT ONLY HERE!
Episode 5: BUSTED BIRTHDAY
PACK A SHOEBOX when tensions run high when the Girls do their best to give precious orphans birthday parties, but the Guys forget the special day of one of their own... and try to make up for it with a ridiculous Greek bust. BLOW A PARTY FAVOR appreciating this hard lesson learned --- that between ministry and family, our first ministry is always to our family. UNTIE YOUR BOWTIE WHO STOLE YOUR HONDA observing this important episode, highlighting the sick reality that missions isn't always milking and miracles... it's making the people closest to you happy, even after you've ruined their birthday.
Then, share the link, "LIKE" our Facebook fan page, leave a comment for us, and make a purchase from our World Goods Store, perhaps as a BIRTHDAY GIFT for a special person on your Team!
03 November 2011
03 November 2011
EXCLUSIVE ONLINE CONTENT ONLY HERE!
Episode 104: CHRISTMAS IN JULY
ADJUST YOUR SNUGGIE as the Team travels to remote Ukrainian villages to share the Christmas Story in the middle of a sweltery summer. STUFF YOUR STOCKINGS when the Guys barely survive a night of camping, experience the angst of showering au naturale in mosquito-infested woods, and burn jarring images of 'ole St. Nick into the psyche of every man, woman, & child that dared follow their Star. WORSHIP THE CHRIST CHILD seeing gifts given, local fellowships encouraged, and evangelism successful, as the true meaning of Christmas is shared to all. LAUGH 'til your belly shakes like a bowl full of jelly, while these beautiful buffoons make Christian Television history in this heartwarming episode.
Then, share the link, "LIKE" our Facebook fan page, leave a comment for us, and make a purchase from our World Goods Store!
SNEAK DESCRIP OF NEXT WEEK'S EPISODE 105: BUSTED BIRTHDAY
When the Team forgets Andrea's birthday, the pain becomes almost too bear after the Guys buy her a ridiculous present to say, "sorry." Will Andrea and the Girls continue to faithfully serve local orphaned infants and children, in spite of the Boys' seeming insensitivity? Or will it be too much to take and form a rift that will never heal? Things get real within the Team this episode, "Busted Birthday".
02 November 2011
02 November 2011
the continuing SNAPSHOTS OF what may or may not be REAL JOURNAL ENTRIES
"SUNDAY, JULY 18, 2004
DAY 8 ...the unspeakable
DEAR DIARY, you ain't gonna believe this!!! My hands are still trembling from the excitement and exhaustion!
The meeting with the elders left us more burdened for this people than ever. They listened attentively, but told us to be careful what 'magic' we perform on the villagers, and that the forest spirits would kill us if we ask too many questions, including questioning the traditions passed on by the ancestors.
We returned to our tents, and prepared to search for the jailed lady once the sun had set and the village turned in for the night. With fresh batteries in our night vision goggles, we waited.
Sun finally set, and we quietly and quickly made our way to the small trail which they carried out their last prisoner on. Dressed in black we were virtually invisible, except for a dull, green glow coming from our goggles, which made the night as bright as day to us.
We followed the path, seeing a few animals along the way, including a tiger which quickly
Read more...
31 October 2011
31 October 2011
EXCLUSIVE ONLINE CONTENT ONLY HERE!
Episode 103: IT AIN'T EASY BEING A CHILDREN'S ENTERTAINER
CUDDLE UP as the Team hatches a plan to reach homeless children living in sewers & under apartment buildings. SHED A TEAR when Leann discovers a young, recently beaten, homelss boy and tries to convince him to stay at the new Safe House. SPIN LIKE A TOP when the Guys gussy themselves up to demonstrate true Christianity at Kid's Day by busing in EVERY REGISTERED ORPHAN IN THE CITY and offering them the love of God and the gift of dance!
Then share the link, leave a comment on ourFacebook Page & do some early Christmas shopping in our World Goods Store!
SNEAK DESCRIP OF NEXT WEEK'S EPISODE 104: CHRISTMAS IN JULY
"The Team travels to a remote region of Ukraine to give gifts & share the true meaning of Christmas during a blazing summer. The guys barely survive a night of camping, experience the angst of showering in mosquito-infested woods, and burn jarring images of 'ole St. Nick into the psyche of every man, woman, & child that dared follow their Star. Gifts given, local fellowships encouraged, and evangelism successful, as these beautiful buffoons march on!"
25 October 2011
28 October 2011
the continuing SNAPSHOTS OF what may or may not be REAL JOURNAL ENTRIES
July 15, 2004
"Dear Diary, I'm glad we're doing stuff together again. You know, when I wasn't writing in you, I was still thinking about you. You know I love you, Diary. You've always been the one. Are you ready?
The jungle. It's hot. Hard to think straight. The team and I are a sweaty mess. It's been a couple of days since the last posting. Some interesting developments have taken place. Too many write.
Yesterday, we saw what appeared to be a tribal arrest and
distribution of justice. A woman who appeared to be in her late 40s, whom we had come to know a bit, was taken in the middle of the night. She was known as the village bean-supplier. But evidentally a much younger woman had been prepared to take over her job. What crime she committed is not known, and her exact whereabouts is still a mystery. Though I know not the system of law among this heathen people, I do know by the terrified look in her eyes that some grave injustice had been committed. She is innocent. With tears rolling down her cheek, she silently stared at me as they took her away. And the entire community gathered in somber attention to see her carried out of the village, locked in a bamboo cage.
A curious and disturbing event indeed; tonight our team will forge our way into the jungle in hopes of tracing their steps and discovering the fate of the innocent-eyed bean lady.
And in the morning, we hope to begin our first presentation of the gospel. We have now gained the trust of the village elders, we believe, enough to bring the life-changing message of Jesus. How these people, like me only a few short years ago, need their darkened hearts awakened.
Indeed, it is hot. Time to eat some stew that is freshly prepared. Hot stew on a hot day. Doesn't get much sweatier than this. I'd give anything for a sweet tea in an air-conditioned McDonald's right about now."
25 October 2011
25 October 2011
DELTED SCENE from Episode 103: It Ain't Easy Being a Children's Entertainer. Michael WORKS IT in his fat bear suit passing out candy to kids at KIDS' DAY, an event where every orphan in the Ukrainian city is bused in for a day of full of fun & faith. Luke, meanwhile, gussies himself up backstage before revealing himself as the dancing alligator... Episode coming online this Thursday!
23 October 2011
23 October 2011
SNAPSHOTS OF what may or may not be REAL JOURNAL ENTRIES
Semi-Autonomous Region, SW China
July 10, 2004
"DEAR DIARY: This is the first Journal entry I am making in several months. I'm sorry, Diary, I truly am. How can I make this up to you? A postcard? A night out on the town? Entries every day? I'll change. I promise I'll write more. You'll see. Just give me a chance and let me prove to you I'm different now.
As I write this, I am using my laptop with satellite link from deep inside a jungle in southeast China. The people here are very primitive. Most have never seen a white man before. They stare with wonder and amazement at
Read more...
21 October 2011
Clip from next week's episode: It Ain't Easy Being a Children's Entertainer. Luke works HARD readying the church for KIDS' DAY, an event where every orphan in the Ukrainian city is bused in for a day of full of fun & faith. Leann, meanwhile, discovers one of the city's homeless children and hopes he will accept the offer to help... Find out what happens AND, OH, SO MUCH MORE when the entire episode is posted next week!
21 October 2011
21 October 2011
EXCLUSIVE ONLINE CONTENT ONLY HERE!
Episode 102: TOOTH FAIRIES
GIGGLE as you observe the Team taking 13 lovable, rotten-toothed ex-drug addicts to get Extreme Mouth Makeovers at a Ukrainian Dentist's Office. WIGGLE when you realize the sights, sounds, smells, and heart wrenching stories are almost too much for the Boys -- and the dentists -- to handle. THROW YOURSELF A FIT ON THE FLOOR as it becomes clear what happens when the Team mixes a little blood, sweat & prayers, and the Magic of Television Time Travel. SHED A TEAR OF JOY as it becomes evident how Dental Dignity is the gift that keeps on giving!
Then share the link, leave a comment on our Facebook Page & do some early Christmas shopping in our World Goods Store!
Episode 103: IT AIN'T EASY BEING A CHILDREN'S ENTERTAINER, coming here Thursday, October 27. The horrific realities of Ukraine's sewer & street children hit close to home, motivating the Team to help publish the city's first Children's Newspaper. Leann discovers a young boy seeking shelter at a safehouse, and Luke & Michael don animal costumes, stepping into the role of their lives: entertaining every orphan in the city at their annual Children's Day Celebration. Tune in next week to wonder at this multifaceted missionary spectacle!
20 October 2011
20 October 2011
"Brave." It is short for "Bravery." The Guys exhibit this virtue ever-so virtuously by tasting a Ukrainian delicacy: the WHOLE HALF-SMOKED CATFISH. It's all part of celebrating successful Mouth Makeovers, weeks after repairing or replacing over 100 teeth from 13 lovable Ukrainian ex-drug addicts. Check out the entire episode, to be posted tonight, to find out what happened to justify such a feast.
From AMERICAN MISSIONARY Episode 102: TOOTH FAIRIES
19 October 2011
19 October 2011
After just one episode, and over ONE HUNDRED hits on YouTube, it's safe to say American Missionary has gone viral.
Here's what the critics are saying:
"Heart-warming and heart-wrenching." - Los Angeles Star Tribune
"Bravo! Bravo! Bravo! I laughed until I cried from beginning to end... and I'm still crying!" - Reverend Billy Graham
"Beatify these guys...NOW!" - Pope Benedict XVI
Read more...
15 October 2011
16 October 2011
EXCLUSIVE ONLINE CONTENT ONLY HERE!
Episode 101: PITCHFORK PERSECUTION
WATCH the boys drink milk straight from the udder; WONDER in amazement as they plant a church in "Pig Lady's" home; QUIVER as the girls get attacked by drunken villagers; STARE with mouth agape over the destruction of a decrepit outhouse.
Leave a comment & head over to our online store.
EPISODE 102: TOOTH FAIRIES, coming here Thursday, October 20. When the Team takes 13 ex-drug addicts to get Extreme Mouth Makeovers at a Ukrainian Dentist's Office, the sights, sounds, and smells are almost too much for the Boys -- and the dentists -- to handle. Will it be Mission Accomplished or Get Out & Stay Out? Tune in next week to find out!
12 October 2011
15 October 2011
So, you just watched AMERICAN MISSIONARY's Episode 101: PITCHFORK PERSECUTION, and you're, like, blown away.
And you're all, "Whoa. Wow. NO WAY. Really?"
And we're all, "Yes. Seriously. Yeah, bro. FOR REAL."
And you're like, "Well, what happens to all that rehab milk from Marta the Cow?"
And we're like, "THIS is how it winds up. In a bag, in a store, and then in someone's home, who knows how to pour and drink milk from a bag, bro."
MOLOKO (milk) INSTRUCTIONS:
1. Make sure you have the necessary tools. Bag of milk. Scissors. Funnel. Empty container of any type. 2. Gingerly hold bag of milk and cut top corner of bag. Doesn't really matter where you cut or how you hold it -- expect milk to bleed out. 3. Using your third hand, or the hand of an accomplice, hold funnel over empty container. 4. Pour milk into funnel. Beware of overfilling container. 5. Repeat as necessary.
09 October 2011
21 October 2011
AMERICAN MISSIONARY is what?
a) a tasteful retelling of an age-old story
b) a timeless saga of of redemption
c)
a groundbreaking new genre of Christian television: the docu-comedy
d) I can't define it, but I know it when I see it.
What is the best tagline for AMERICAN MISSIONARY: Season 1?
a) it's a mission, not a position
b) if God can use guys like this, He can use anybody
c) Finally, a facelift for Christian TV you're allowed to laugh at
d) Time to feed the devil his breakfast, praise Jesus, brothers & sisters, amen, hallelujah!
Publicly you say _____________________ about AMERICAN MISSIONARY, but privately you think _____________________ .
a) it's sophomoric, inappropriate and immature / you enjoy sophmoric, inappropriate, and immature.
b) it's locker room drivel / you can't wait for Season 2.
c) it's something your grandchildren might like / it would be embarassing if they knew how much you like it.
d) you're not sure what the Team's eschatology is / you don't know what eschatology is.
The funniest animal on the mission field is:
a) a bunny rabbit
b) a pregnant cow
c) two engaged pigs
d) the Missionary Centipede
The last time you sent money to a TV ministry, you:
a) thanked God for the privilege for sowing into good soil.
b) received an Aryan-looking, androgynous angel statue.
c) were investigated for complicity in mail fraud, tax evasion, and/or soliciting.
If you were to purchase an item from AMERICAN MISSIONARY, you would most like a:
a) Season 1 Boxed DVD Set, complete with 9 hours of bonus footage
b) handcrafted, hand-painted authentic Russian nesting doll
c) warm gallon of Crimean milk
d) colorful necklace made of freshly-pulled teeth
YOUR SCORE: A Total of (1-9) means you & your family should purchase American Missionary Season 1 now ; A Total of (10-17) means the PERFECT gifts for your loved ones are our Russian Nesting Dolls available in the store; A Total of (17-25) means the perfect stocking stuffers for this Christmas are our selection of fashionable, Authentic Soviet-Era belts, also available at our store.
